My best friend fell in love with me. (´・_・`)

June 13, 2017

Everything started more than 5 years ago. Just to let you know that 5 years is a lot of time and I was a heartless and egoistic bitch back then. I truly believe that if something like that happen again, I'll solve everything way differently. Mostly because people change.

I always had some guys around me. Tbh, my social and love life was crazy back then. I remember having probably 3 crushes at that time and I'm sure at least 4 boys had crush on me. But we were kids, 14 or 15 years old, knowing nothing about life or other people's emotions. I remember I was pretty happy about all the attenion I was getting. Anyways, I always had some "guy friends" around. It just depended on who I needed at certain time.
A holiday after first year in middle school came and I ended up meeting with all my friends almost everynight at the main square. I believe we were just sitting there and talking. It was 2011 and it was probably one of my craziest holiday ever.

I don't know how it happened but me and this one guy who was part of our group ended up being really close to each other. I knew about his existence before, but I didn't really care to get to know him. We ended up texting all the time and I remember spending a lot of time together during breaks at school or after school. We did some stupid stuff (so things I do all the time even today) - lying on the floor, dancing stupidly and singing in public, playing on the roads, just things which are more on the "craziest" side and which may intrigue others. Of course I wasn't playing with him or anything. That's just how I am with people I'm close with. Cause of course I wouldn't do any of these with some strangers. To them I'm still this "smart and well-behaved girl". Anyways, I didn't know that all my actions led him to liking me. I really didn't know back then and I even asked him to help me get close to this other guy I liked. He tried his best to do so.
Actually he tried his best with every task I gave him. I started listen to kpop around that time and I told him to learn all the members of SHINee, EXO and probabaly Super Junior. He listened to their music with me even though he didn't like it. He even fangirling (-boying, lol?) with me. In short - I trained him in the the way I wanted him to be, like a puppy. He did everything I wanted him to do, and if not, I went mad and he had to apologize. That's cruel, I know and I'm sorry. I was writing about it with my bf the other day and he told me that it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel burdened. Of course I do. Especially with things that happened after. Even when my bf tells it's this guy friend's fault, cause he let me play with him, knowing there's no options for anything more that being friends.

But we were friends. A really good ones. At least that's how I remember it. c':
A lot happened in the meantime. I made a mistake and our group of friends disbanded. Literally. Unfortunatelly, he still was a friend of those other people and they made him decide who he liked more. Even for a moment I didn't feel doubtfull about what would he do. He naturally chose me. Still tried to be nice to the others, at the same time telling me all the bullshit they kept talking about me or my besties. Situation started to get out of our hands but he always were there for me. Even when my besties were rude to him telling he's fake. Even when they were mixing him with mud to protect me from any harm. I knew that he was honest with me but I ended up unintentionally hurting him with them.
On holiday in 2013, so after graduating middle school, during my piano workshops, I got a really strange message from him. He told me that he loved me. I was sure someone broke into his account, cause it wasn't first time getting something odd written by his friends for fun. But he wasn't joking around and I didn't know what to do with myself. Luckily, I was with Quinnie and I could tell her about it. But I had to come back and deal with everything on my own. I tried really hard to avoid him. I'm sure we were texting, but omitting the subject. He for sure knew that I was feeling really uncomfortable, cause he just knew me really well. He caught me on the street, few times, asking to explain everything. Everytime I told him we should do it through Facebook. I wasn't able to talk about such a serious topic face to face.

We decided to left everything behind us. But I kept playing with him. Sending pictures of me, pictures of me with my friends, screens of messages with my other male friends, knowing he would be jelous. Using his feelings. He even let me in to his Facebook page. I searched his converstations to know if he wrote something about me to the others. And he did. That's when I found out that he was already attracted to me in our first year of friendship.
I went to high school and we wasn't able too see each other, but that was great for me, because I always preferred writing than talking. That's when I started to mature. I realized I don't want him to be in a friendzone for the rest of his life, knowing that it may hurt him even more. So I started cutting him out. Being rude. Wanting him to give up.

I know we had some fight at the other half of 2014. Actually I'm not sure if we fought, cause I can't find any track of it. I just probably stopped texting him. That was the worst time of my life and I needed to be alone. And I really wanted him to move on with his own life.
But we sort of came back to our places because of my 18th birthday party. I obviously invited him and other few friends. I don't think we were writing about anything important. Just some kpop stuff, probably things which were going on on the internet at that time and that's all. Oh, and I was going to do some dance event at the party, so I kept learning choreographies and keep him up to date.
Some drama broke out. His mom had pretentions to me, that I wasn't going to his bday party. It was two weeks after mine. I wanted but I couldn't, because my other friend already invited me to her party. And even more, we chose that date especially for me, because I wasn't able to came earlier (exams and shit). So it was obvious for me, that I'm going to her place. This guy friend told me he wasn't mad and didn't have anything to me. Anyways, there was a drama going on and I was called a spoiled child who cares only about herself. What wasn't true and really got me.

Since then we don't really talk. Sometimes we cross our paths since we live quite close to each other, but that's all. I'm glad that during those two years he found a girlfriend and new friends. I don't know much about his current life, but sometimes I think about going to him and apologize. At that moments, my friend always tells me to stop, because he's not a man I used to know anymore.

So what would I do differently if I had to face a problem like that nowadays? Well, I'd try to talk to the person. Back then I tried to solve everything by myself, maybe with a little bit of my besties help (who were like "he's not worth you, I don't know why you're still talking to him"). Now I know that first thing I should do is to talk to a person (SERIOUSLY, WHY PEOPLE CAN'T JUST TALK AND SOLVE ALL MISUNDERSTANDING, BEING HONEST WITH EACH OTHER, WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER). Give a clear answer. Keep in a place where he should be, without teasing or playing. Just have some respect, cause it's not he's fault how he's feeling.
Do I have a guy friend right now? Of course I do. I have my old besties, who are with me for over 7 years and my puss, without whom I wouldn't be able to survive last years. But we're not crossing the line. Yet.

Hope you like this kind of a "story time" entry.
See ya next time! c:

1 comment:

  1. Omg that all sounds so dramatic, i hope your problems will be solved way more easily in the future Lisa��


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